I’m very worried. When our unit’s medical director leaves in June, I might be without a job. He’s quitting because he can’t stand working for our hospital administrator, Mr. Grinch. The hospital is looking for a new doc, but right now, things aren’t looking good. Mr. Grinch’s reputation precedes him, and no one wants to work for a jerk.I’ve decided to help out. Instead of hiring a headhunter, I’m posting a help wanted ad. Here are the qualifications I’m looking for in a doc.

The ideal candidate puts patients first.

I nearly died one day when I heard our nursing director described our hospital’s psychiatric unit as a “product line.” Say, what? I’m not a factory worker, I’m a nurse. I know that health care is big business, and I understand the need to be fiscally responsible, but it would be nice if we could stop focusing on profit margins and start focusing on providing good patient care. I’m looking for a doc who is dedicated to the welfare of our patients.

The ideal candidate must believe in the power of Haldol.

I’m really amazed by how many doctors are afraid of using old time medications. There are some positive things to be said about using tried-and-true meds. I had a doctor tell me once that he didn’t prescribe Haldol anymore because it isn’t “politically correct.” He said that research has shown that new antipsychotics are more effective than Haldol. I bet a lot of those research projects were sponsored by the pharmaceutical industry. I’m not a big fan of many of the newer antipsychotic medications. They aren’t cheap, and many times they are less effective than older, less expensive medications. I’ve also seen doctors back away from giving hefty doses of medications when patients need them because they don’t want to be accused of using “chemical restraints.” Oh, please! When a patient is psychotic and out of control, they need drugs. Pharmaceutical wimps need not apply.

The ideal candidate must have balls of steel.

I want to work with a doctor who has moxie and who isn’t afraid to standup to Mr. Grinch. Sometimes Mr. Grinch tries to bully our current doctor into admitting violent patients who are totally inappropriate for our unit while trying to cut nursing staff at the same time. Our current doc isn’t afraid of telling Mr. Grinch to go to hell, and the ideal doc needs to be able to do the same.

The ideal candidate will make his or her own coffee and must be willing to bring in breakfast for the nursing staff every Saturday morning. I work every Saturday, and I have my standards.

If you are truly the ideal candidate, be assured that the nursing staff will stand behind you and work with you as a team. We are incredibility loyal to anyone who is loyal to us.

Please e-mail me if you are interested in this position.