We have all heard of penis envy, but now there’s a new type of envy in town. This is a picture of my car, Milton Harvey. Isn’t he cute? Milton Harvey is really a dweeby looking car, hence his name. The only standard equipment missing on him is a bowtie and a pocket protector. SUV drivers who subconsciously think of their cars as some sort of phallic symbol use to make fun of Milton Harvey, but not anymore. They stopped laughing at him when gasoline topped out at over $3.00 a gallon. It’s sad, but an increasing number of SUV drivers are suffering from gas pump envy.

I went to get some gas today, and I pulled up beside a man that was driving an enormous SUV. His monster truck towered over Milton Harvey, and it had every option on it known to mankind. Every American He-Man would love to own this SUV, but the owner of this truck looked stressed out. He sighed, and then he struck up a conversation with me as he filled his empty gas tank. He looked longingly at Milton Harvey, and then he told me that he has to fill his tank up twice a week, and that he pays $80.00 each time he stops for gas. I thought the guy was going to start crying when I told him that I get around in Milton Harvey for $ 25 a week. The man was still pumping his life savings into his car when I drove away.

Here are some words of wisdom for the SUV drivers who can no longer afford to fill up their gas tank: Stop worrying about the size of your car. It’s OK if it’s small. It’s what you do with it that counts.