I’ve been getting a lot of email this weekend from readers asking me what I think about Britney Spears. I don’t really know what’s happening to the pop princess, but I know what was happening on Cedar-Sinai Medical Center’s psychiatric unit when Britney Spears checked in. This is how the night played out:

The phone is ringing at the nurses station. It’s the emergency room nurse calling report. “Hello, Charge Nurse, you are getting a new admission from the emergency room. It’s Britney Spears. Age 26, diagnosis, Mood Disorder, NOS, rule out Bipolar Disorder. Oh yes, (snicker) Miss Pop Princess is telling me that she is a VIP, and she is asking that we please accommodate her every need.” The charge nurse hears Britney screaming obscenities in the background.

Then Britney is strapped down in four point restraints, and is wheeled to the unit with her posse in tow. The press comes racing up in the elevators, and camera strobes are flashing as the unit door slams shut. The charge nurse meets her new patient. “Good evening Ms. Spears. I’m going to be your nurse tonight, but first I need some information. Do you have any allergies?”

Britney: “*uck YOU!”

The Spears family is ushered into a side office while Britney is given a massive dose of Haldol and Ativan, and goes to sleep for the night.

The next day, Britney denies having a problem, and blames everyone else for the consequences of her actions. So what if she was drunk and high on prescription medications? She’s a superstar and can do whatever she wants. And the kids? Well, they belong to her, so her ex-husband, Kevin, can just *uck off! Then, a couple of days later, Britney throws a temper tantrum and her spineless doctor releases her from the hospital against medical advice. I’m sure that the nurses who were working on Britney’s discharge paperwork were surprised by Dr. Phil’s arrival onto the unit. We must be approaching Sweeps Week.

Maybe I’m the one who is crazy, but Britney reminds me of Marilyn Monroe. She’s going to be dead soon if she doesn’t get some serious help.