This is all wrong. There is no personal contact allowed between staff and patients on a psychiatric unit. And check out what our nurse is wearing. Her outfit is scandalous, and she’s wearing white lace-up high heels shoes. And that nurse’s cap! I wonder what nursing school handed those things out. Our little nurse better get her act together before her employer shows her the door. Take it from me, it’s hard finding a new job that you like.

I went to a job interview the other day, and I’m now working four hours a week at a drug rehab clinic. I think I’m going to like the job because I’m not in charge of the place when I’m there. The program is counselor driven, and I’m just there to pass the pills. That means all I have to do is call a counselor if someone starts acting out. People aren’t coddled at this place. They follow one basic guiding principle: Act like a descent human being, or get the hell out of the program. I have finally found a place that matches my personality.

My job interview was an unique experience to say the least. I spent hours preparing, and I found just the right outfit to wear to my interview. I looked really sharp in my navy blue suit and new winter coat, but then it started raining, and I fell into a mud puddle as I raced out of the house. I ended up arriving for my interview wearing a pair of khaki pants and a mismatched turtleneck shirt. I handed a mud-splattered resume to my new boss, and she hired me on the spot. She was impressed that I showed up for the appointment, mud splatters and all, and she especially liked my wrinkles and gray hair. She said that she liked my maturity. She said, “Young nurses that look like kewpie dolls don’t work out. The patients respond better to women who look like their mother.” Finally, age discrimination that worked in my favor.

In your face, kewpie dolls.