It all started when Eve asked Adam, “Does this fig leaf make me look fat?”

Women throughout time have fretted about their clothes. Traditionally, women have three wardrobes hanging in their closet. We have our winter clothes, our summer clothes, and our fat and skinny clothes. But, no matter what we have, we haven’t a thing to wear.

My life unexpectedly became complicated when I was invited to attend the Nursing Spectrum Excellence Awards. I’m really excited about the invitation, but a fancy night out on the town means that blue jeans are out, and I have to dress up like an adult. This presented a problem because the last time that I dressed up was on my wedding day. My wedding dress was a stunning, oriental silk brocade evening dress. I looked fabulous in it, but that was ten years and fifteen pounds ago, so I suddenly found myself wardrobe-challenged. I discovered three things while shopping for the perfect evening dress. I learned that there is no such thing as the perfect dress, most of them are WAY too expensive, and that evening dresses fall into one of six categories:

Category #1: The Mother of the Bride Dress

The mother of the bride dress serves a purpose. It prevents a woman from upstaging a bride on her wedding day. What else can I say? These dresses are frumpy.

Category #2: The Cheap K Mart Dress:

I’m always looking for ways to save a buck, but this is NOT the way to save money. This dress, made from glittery spandex, and accessorized with a matching macramé shawl, shower cap, and plastic rhinestone sunglasses screams, “I’m a Blue Light Special.” Cheap dresses look cheap. Period.

Category #3: The Southern Belle Dress:

I heard Rett Butler say, “Quite frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn,” every time I saw one of these dresses at the mall. Southern belle dresses are poofy, and they are covered in ruffles, ribbons, and bows. These dresses are not age appropriate for women like me. Not that I’m old. Just saying’.

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Category #4: The Prostitute Dress

A prostitute dress is just like Paris Hilton. It’s sleazy, lacks substance, and looks cheap. Enough said.

Category #5: The Bizarreo World Dress

This dress is too strange for words. I think space aliens design bizarreo world dresses. Dresses like this one are very expensive, and a lot of rich people like them. It just proves that money can’t buy good taste. No one in the real world would be caught dead in this type of dress.

Category #6: The Little Black Dress

I’m wearing a little black dress to the banquet. My dress is an updated version of Audrey Hepburn’s dress, and it’s very elegant. Do not confuse the little black dress with a black funeral frock. Those dresses are dreary and depressing. I bought my dress at Macy’s. It was marked down by 50%, and there’s nothing depressing about that.

I promise you a full report after the banquet.