I swear this is true. Like I’ve said before, I can’t make this stuff up. The Greatest Hospital in the World has prepared for JCAHO’s arrival by forming the “JCAHO Readiness Swat Team.” These team members will jump into action when JCAHO walks through the front door. Here’s the plan:

The hospital operator will make an overhead announcement, welcoming JCAHO inspectors to the Greatest Hospital in the World. Of course this is code for, “Panic! JCAHO has landed.”

Each unit will break open a stack of note cards that are kept at the nursing station. These note cards contain last minute instructions on what to do when JCAHO hits the door. Swat team members will jump into action and complete the tasks listed on the cards.

Medications nurses must complete a last minute check of the crash cart. They are to plug in the crash cart, and make sure that only the current month’s inventory sheet is on the cart. The card instructs the nurses to hide archive the previous months’ records.

Unit charge nurses are the most important swat team members. The charge nurse must make sure that no one is eating or drinking at the nurses station, and that everyone is charting according to hospital policy. That means no surfing the web. The charge nurse is also responsible for calling in additional staff, and for making sure that “key staff members” are on the unit during the survey.  That means that charge nurses have been instructed not to call in trouble makes that will tip off inspectors about the JCAHO Readiness Swat Team.

I’m going to enjoy my extra time off.