There’s something sinister going on in the universe. It’s a growing power that we can’t see or touch, but special people know that it’s there. This information is top secret, so don’t tell anyone else. My source works with the Ophra Team.

Ophra Winfrey has been called the most powerful woman in America. Actually, she is the ruler of a secret society, which makes her the most powerful woman in the world. I’ve never met Ophra, but, as a psychiatric nurse, I do meet with members of her secret society on a regular basis. A member of Ophra’s secret society recently arrived on my unit. She spoke to me on the condition of anonymity, and she told me many insider secrets about Ophra’s secret society, and about Ophra Winfrey herself. Did you know that Ophra has a special team that implants microchips inside of her followers while they sleep? These implants foster the sense of brotherhood, making strangers into friends. Ophra has many friends. This is a common story among Ophra secret society members, so it must be true. My source also gave me the inside story about Stedman and Ophra’s friend, Gayle. Stedman is a robot, and Gayle and Ophra are lovers. I was shocked to learn about Stedman, but rumors have been flying around about Ophra’s gay relationship with Gayle for a long time. It’s an open secret…. not that there’s anything wrong with that.

You may think that these wild stories are just conspiracy theories thought up by people who need to keep taking their medication. It’s true that people suffering from delusions can come up with some wacky tales. I’m sure that it’s just a coincidence that Ophra’s new XM Satellite Radio program is called, “Oprah & Friends,” and that she’s promoting a book called, The Secret.

Watch your back. Ophra wants to be your friend, too.