One of my girlfriends just bought a house. She’s been talking about buying one ever since I met her seven years ago and she finally took the plunge. She really loves her new place except for one thing. It feels empty, so she’s thinking about buying a dog or finding a husband so she won’t feel lonely anymore. Of course she asked me for my opinion on this very important issue. Let’s look at the facts.

Dogs and husbands have a lot in common. We must give our new dog or husband a lot of our time and attention if we want to build a relationship with them. Both need training. There is nothing worse than having a dog or a husband that is unruly and tries to takeover the house. Housebreaking your dog or husband is essential. I suggested that my friend buy a dog if she didn’t have time to train a husband to put his dishes in the dishwasher or pick his underwear up off of the floor. At least you can put your dog in a crate when YOU need a break.

There are other things you need to consider when choosing between a dog and a husband:

Roaming dogs bring home fleas. Roaming husbands bring home other vermin and communicable diseases.

Dogs urinate on fence posts. Husbands urinate on the toilet seat.

Scruffy dogs are cute. Scruffy men just look scruffy.

Getting rid of a bad husband is complicated because you can’t take him to the dog pound. You have to take them to court.

My girlfriend is still trying to decide what to do. I’m giving her a copy of No Bad Men. She needs all the help she can get.

Editor’s note: All comments containing the word “bitch” will be deleted.