More From The Perfect Woman

22 Oct 2006

A few days ago, we discussed what a perfect woman looks like according to the book, The Perfect Woman, written by Mary R. Melendy, M.D., PhD. Today, I’m sharing Dr. Melendy’s beauty secrets for getting that perfect woman glow.

First, find a rubber hose and shove it up your nose. According to Dr. Melendy, flushing the body with water from the inside out will make you robust, hence, giving you a healthy glow. I thought doing things like that would cause a nosebleed, but what do I know, she’s a doctor and I’m just a nurse. She also suggests hiring a chambermaid to hose you down with cold water. I recommend that you stand inside of a tub before your chambermaid administers this treatment, otherwise you’ll have a mess on your hands. The woman in the illustration is not standing in a tub. I guess back then, being beautiful didn’t mean you had to be smart, just subservient to your husband’s will.

Dr. Melendy said that bathing is an essential part to being beautiful.

Here are Dr. Melendy’s rules about taking a bath:

1) Take a bath when you’re warm. After you take a bath, exercise. Sweat makes you glow.
2) Do not eat two hours before, or one hour after bathing.
3) The best times for bathing are at 10 a.m., 3 p.m., and at bedtime. Every full bath should be taken quickly, and should be followed by a vigorous rubdown, and exercising.
4) Wet the head and chest before bathing to prevent colds.

Dr. Melendy said that a woman’s hair is her glory. She tells readers that brushing their hair everyday will remove dust, thereby preventing dandruff, and she suggests that readers shampoo their hair with Green’s soap, pure Castile soap, Woodbury’s tar soap, and Pear’s soap. Castile soap is great stuff. When I was a nursing student, we used Castile soap as a shampoo in the hospital, and we still use it when we give soap water enemas. I know, too much information.

I will be posting more tips later. Next time, we will discuss perfect motherhood.

Prison Nurse

19 Oct 2006

I found this book on e-Bay and just had to bid on the darn thing. Our nurse looks like she walked in on her patient without knocking. Doesn’t the prisoner looked surprised? My nursing instructor, Miss Manners, taught us to always knock before entering a room, and she gave us a tongue lashing if we walked into a patient’s room unannounced.

Dr. Louis Berg wrote this trashy novel. The former prison psychiatrist said his book is an account of what goes on behind prison walls. The Macaulay Company published the original book in 1934. The book was also turned into a movie in 1938

“Young Dr. Evans Dale was in prison, paying society’s just price for transgressing its commandments. This courageous outlaw was the man Judy Grayson loved, but when his life hung in the balance, the only person she could turn to was powerful, ambitious Dr. Hartmann, who wanted Judy for himself.

Judy Grayson dared to bring her gift of healing into an underworld of men—thieves, drug addicts, and murderers!”

I checked out Dr. Berg, and he was not only an author, but also a great scientific researcher. (Please visualize me rolling my eyes). In 1941, Dr. Berg theorized that radio soap operas were responsible for tachycardia, arrhythmia, emotional instability, and vertigo. To put his theory to the test, he listened to an episode from two radio serials, and then monitored his own blood pressure 30 minutes. His blood pressure increased. Dr. Berg concluded that radio soap operas were dangerous to their “unfortunate addicts,” and that middle age women, teenagers, and “the neurotic” were especially at risk for the shows’ ill effects.

I wonder if Dr. Berg listened to the radio show, The Woman in White?

The Woman in White, ran from 1938-1942, and was one of the first serials to focus on a hospital. (Cue in overly dramatic soap opera organ music).


In today’s episode of The Woman in White, heroic Karen Adams, star nurse, is faced with a dilemma. Only recently Nurse Adam’s boyfriend, the handsome, yet deceitful, Dr. Kirk Harding fathered a child with Janet Munson. To make matters worse, Janet has married Nurse Adams’ brother. And standing in the shadows is Dr. Lee Markham. Nurse Adams thinks of Dr. Markham as a friend, but he loves Nurse Adams from afar. Can he find the courage to tell Nurse Adams about his feelings before she throws her life away on a cad?

Will Nurse Adams, unaware of Dr. Harding’s dalliance with Janet, become his wife?
Will Janet tell her new husband that he is not the father of her child?
Will Janet and Nurse Adams ever figure out that Dr. Harding is a dog, and kick him to the curb?

Turn in tomorrow for the next episode of The Woman in White (cue out organ music).

Like Dr. Berg, the show’s creator, Irna Phillips was an oddball. Soap opera historians agree that Phillips was a hypochondriac. She allegedly consulted a doctor everyday. In 1970, Phillips decided to take a European vacation and booked passage on a hospital ship. What is it with these artistic types anyway? There’s no business like show business.

The Perfect Woman

18 Oct 2006

In today’s book report, I’m revealing some tips on how to be the perfect woman. In her book Perfect Womanhood, published in 1901, Mary R. Melendy, M.D., PH. D. tells readers how to have a happy marriage, healthy children, and a radiant body.


First, let’s discuss what a perfect woman looks like. Forget looking like an anorexic super model. According to Dr. Melendy, the perfect woman looks like this sculpture of Napoleon Bonaparte’s sister, Paulina. She has a big butt, a large waist, and a flat chest. According to Dr. Melendy most women are drop dead gorgeous, so let’s move on.

Dr. Melendy writes that beauty starts from within. The perfect woman only thinks thoughts of joy, love, and peace. She instructs women to sit in silence for an hour every night and think subservient thoughts because it helps them become less selfish and more submissive to their husbands’ will. Yeah, right. I’m sorry, as someone who refuses to be a doormat, I’m going to have to pass on this one. The only thing I want to do at night is watch a little TV and surf the web.

Dr. Melendy said that the perfect woman worships her husband, and has LOTS of babies. She said that the a woman is the “seed from which life springs forth.” She also says a good mother knows how to prepare home treatments when someone in her family is ill.

Here are just a few treatments that the good doctor recommends in her book.

Diphtheria:

“Aconite, Belladonna, Kali Chloricum, Kali Bi-Chromicum, Proto-Iodide, or Bin-Iodide of Mercury are the principal remedies in this disease.

Give one teaspoon of Aconite and Belladonna in alternation, every hour until the fever subsides. If, however the symptoms grow worse, give five drops of Belladonna, twenty drops of Kali Chloricum, and half a grain of the Kali Bi-Chloricum, each in a tumbler half full of water. Of the Mercury, which is also powder, give a dose about the size of a small pea.”

Chicken Pox:

“For fever and headache, give Aconite and Belladonna, alternately (turn about).

If there is aching of the bones, and bilious symptoms, give Bryonia and Rhus, alternately.

For restlessness and nervous excitement, disturbed sleep, etc., give Coffea. If there is a painful discharge of urine give Cantharides or Conium, or both alternately.

If the eruption is very server, give Tartar Emetic.”

Be watching for more tips from Dr. Melendy’s book on how to be the perfect woman.

Email From Mother

18 Oct 2006

My mother is my email buddy and she passed this one on to me. I usually won’t post these, but in the spirit of the upcoming elections, I couldn’t resist. Surgeons, take note, you might pick up a few tips.

>Subject:: Easiest Surgery Patients
>
> The first surgeon, from New York, says, “I like to see accountants on
> my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
> is numbered.”
>
> The second, from Chicago, responds, “Yeah, but you should try
>electricians. Everything inside them is color coded.”
>
> The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, “No, I really think librarians
> are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
>
> The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: “You know, I like
> construction workers…those guys always understand when you have a
> few parts left over.”
>
> But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
> observed: “You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
>on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the
> head and the butt are interchangeable.”

The Dating Game

17 Oct 2006

When I was a sweet young thing, I didn’t know anything about the dating game. I was naïve when it came to the affairs of the heart. Oddly enough, now that I’m an old, married lady, young people frequently ask me for dating advice. I learn through observation. Here are some things I’ve learned over the years by observing doctors.


Tell Your Date You See Dead People.

When I lived in Chicago, I worked with a very handsome, young, psychiatrist. He was well dressed, well spoken, and a complete gentleman. His package included soulful brown eyes, a dazzling smile, and rock hard abs, and yet, he couldn’t find anyone who would go out with him. I asked him why he couldn’t find a date, and he said that while women love the idea of going out with a doctor, they don’t want to hang out with a psychiatrist. He said that women were more afraid of him getting inside their head than inside their pants.

A few months later I noticed my favorite psychiatrist was glowing when he walked on to the unit. He told me about his new girlfriend. When I asked him for the details, he said that before he asked her out, he told her he was a funeral director. He said she was creeped-out and didn’t pressure him for information about his line of work, and that they had a great time on their date. When he confessed his sins, and told her about his true occupation, she said she would rather go out with a shrink than with an undertaker.

Never Date a Married Woman Whose Husband Has a Gun Rack Mounted on His Pickup Truck.

When I worked in Southern Illinois, I knew a doctor who was a notorious womanizer. He never met a woman he wouldn’t bed. One day a raging husband of one of his conquests appeared at the doctor’s office. Apparently, the doctor had made a “house call” when the woman’s husband was at work, and one of his business cards had fallen out of his pocket on to the bedroom floor. The husband parked his pickup, complete with a gun rack, in the clinic parking lot. An office nurse noted the truck’s “optional equipment,” and called the police. As the husband was being lead off in handcuffs for disorderly conduct, the doctor apologized to him in front of a waiting room full of astonished patients.

Painting by Will Bullas.

Don’t be a Stupid Lounge Lizard. If You’re Married, Take Your Date to a Place Where People Don’t Know You.

When I was young, single, and free back in the glory days of Disco, I liked to hang out with my nurse-girl-posse at the local watering hole. One night when we were out, I saw a man on the dance floor who looked vaguely familiar, but I could place where we had met. He was wearing a bright orange silk shirt, brown polyester bellbottoms, and layers of gold chains around his neck. His stomach protruded over his belt buckle and his shirt was unbuttoned, revealing a thick rug of curly hair on his chest. He was with a woman I didn’t know. As I sat staring at the man and his date, one of my friends gasped, and then started laughing so hard she couldn’t catch her breath. The lounge lizard was a psychiatrist at our hospital, and his date WASN’T his wife. The doctor claimed he had an open marriage, but his wife didn’t agree. She filed for divorce. The doctor’s ex-wife received all of the marital assets and Dr. Disco got the shaft. Party on!

Thank you, Google.

16 Oct 2006

Last Friday morning I booted-up my trusty Mac to check my blog’s stat counter. I usually have 20 hits by 10 a.m. because my mom, and my other relatives, get up early and log on to see what I’ve been up to. When I looked at the statcounter, I dropped my can of Coke on the floor. My stat counter was going crazy. When I followed the path to see where everyone was coming from, I found out that my blog made the “Blogs of Note” list.

I feel like I’m making an acceptance speech at the Oscars, but I want to thank the good people at Blogger Buzz and Google for choosing my blog. It’s a labor of love, and I enjoy writing about the nursing profession. I also want to thank everyone for the thoughtful comments.

Advance for Nurses.

16 Oct 2006

Check out Advance for Nurses’

latest article about the National Nurse Act,which would establish the Office of the National Nurse. Please ask your representative to cosponsor the bill. I believe that every American deserves a nurse.

Medical Pulp Fiction

14 Oct 2006

I know a place where nurses are nymphomaniacs. They work in shady places, wearing tight, white wiggle dresses, and exposing their voluptuous breasts to power hungry doctors. The doctors are lecherous womanizers who are healers by day and adulterers by night. They exploit women to fulfill their savage desires. These are the men and women of medical pulp fiction.

So, did I get your attention?

I’m not like those people who buy Playboy Magazine just for “the articles.” I buy these books because I like to look at the vamp-laced artwork on the book covers. Here are some books I just picked for the family book collection.

Mon Dieu! What’s going on here?
Where’s the nurse, and why isn’t this patient properly draped? This doctor obviously has poor professional boundaries because “his patients tempt him too much.”

“3 Women and a French Doctor:

Magoune, a promiscuous young farm wife, has her leg in a cast, yet she is still a provocative woman.

Kitty, a beautiful English adventuress, insists that giving her “pleasure” is the only cure for her pain. (As a side note, I’m sure the HMOs would endorse this type of therapy if they thought it would save them money).

Elise is a lonesome French widow. The Doctor’s massage treatments awaken feelings she could not control!

Does a doctor remain purely professional in his patients’ boudoirs? Here is the highly sophisticated, shockingly frank story of what went on behind the closed doors of a handsome French Doctor’s consultation room.”

Note to self: Keep all hot-blooded, female patients away from French doctors who make rounds wearing a loud, kiwi green suit.

Nurse! Don’t you know it’s unprofessional to parade around a doctor’s office dressed like a trollop? You certainly have the doctor’s attention. I also see you’re thinking about what happened last night after office hours instead of tending to your patients.

“His arms enfolded her as she burst into tears. His face was gray and haggard. ‘Christie, listen to me. Don’t’ you see we can’t go on like this, being together, wanting each other so damnably, without taking each other. There’s not much future in that.’ ‘It’s the only future I want, Ross,’ she told him huskily when she had controlled her tears. ‘I want to belong to you, Ross. I want to be yours completely any time and all the time. If we can’t be married for a while it doesn’t matter…Ross, I love you. I’ll never love anyone else…Never! Never!’ Recklessly, Christie offered her gorgeous, fresh young beauty to the man she loved, knowing it was all she had. A young nurse in the employ of a cynical, world-weary doctor, she knew from experience that only passion could hold a man who lived as this doctor did, pampered by women!”

What would Florence Nightingale think?

I know I’ve shared this book before, but I can’t help showing it again.

Exposed!

“A doctor and a nurse embraced in the dusky shadows of the gray walled room, their bodies entwined, their lips pressed together. Suddenly there were footsteps in the corridor….somebody opened the door and turned on the light….

Hospital Doctor takes you into the private world of doctors and mistresses, nurses and lovers—an amazing world of heroes and heels who are tempted by pretty faces and a craving for cash.

From the incisive pen of a surgeon himself comes the shocking truth behind many of the operations performed annually which lead to mayhem and manslaughter; the startling expose of underpaid interns and ruthless physicians who resort to shameless practices and character assassination in their ambitious quests for fame and money.”

Oh please, nurses don’t have time to go to the bathroom, let alone time to play “doctor” with a doctor. See the nurse in the doorway. She’s telling her coworker that she better get back to the unit because all of her patients are on their call light, wanting pain medication.

I wonder how our naughty nurse is able to keep her cap from falling off while she’s making out with her boyfriend.

Get Your Hands Off My Coke

11 Oct 2006

Ladies, did you know that you are at higher risk for developing stress fractures because you drink cola, and that you should give it up?

Notice how the nurses are laughing. What, give up cola? Yeah, right!

According to researchers at the Jean Mayer USDA Human Nutrition Research Center on Aging at Tufts University, women who are worried about osteoporosis should switch to another beverage or limit their consumption of cola to occasional use. The suggestion that nurses give up their cola comes under the heading of “when hell freezes over.”

Trust me, things can get ugly if nurses don’t get their hit of high-octane fizzy sugar water. Super nurses lose their ability to outrun speeding bullets and outwork locomotives if they don’t get their cola. And you can forget about asking a nurse to jump over a tall building at a single bound. No one jumps like that without caffeine.

If researchers think women shouldn’t drink cola, maybe one of them can develop a diet supplement that tastes like Coke.

Coke–it’s the real thing.

The Intern Survival Guide

11 Oct 2006

I worked as a neurosurgical nurse many years ago at a teaching hospital in the Midwest, and twice a year a new crop of interns descended upon our unit. It was the best show in town. The spectacle began with the chief of neurosurgery, Dr. Holier Than Thou, strutting on to the unit with his entourage marching behind him. He stood before the crowd in his impeccable white lab coat, telling everyone within earshot of his importance, and how he held the power of life and death in his hands. I would sit at the nurses station and snicker at the biannual parade, and remembered my first day in the hospital as a nursing student. Two interns had asked me to go into a patient’s room to get a set vitals signs. They didn’t tell me that the patient was cold, stone dead. I walked into the patient’s room, saw the dearly departed, and calmly walked back to the nurses station to find the interns laughing their fannies off. I told them they were going to make damn good doctors one day, but first they had to learn what rigor mortis looked like. Nonetheless, because every new group of interns looked like lambs being lead to slaughter, I pitied them, and I gave them information to use as a survival guide. These are the rules I taught them about working with nurses.

1) Nurses deserve respect. We are with the patients twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, while doctors are only able to see patients a few minutes a day. Smart interns forge alliances with the nursing staff, and understand that nurses can save their butts when something goes wrong with one of their patients.


2) Don’t take the last piece of pizza in the nurses lounge unless you are invited to do so. Nurses are territorial about food.


3) Nurses do not tolerate interns with a budding God complex. Nurses have no problem calling arrogant interns every hour on the hour for Tylenol orders, especially at night. Arrogance breeds contempt.


4) Don’t be stupid. If you want to complain about nursing care, be careful when you approach a nurse who is working the last half of a double shift. Refer to rule #3.


5) Nurses are your friends. We want to see you succeed, and if we like you, we will make sure that Dr. Holier Than Thou doesn’t find out that you order Demerol 1000 mg, instead of 100 mg, IM q 4 hours PRN because you were dead on your feet after being on call for three days in a row.

Nurse Ratched

There has been a lot of chatter in the blogosphere about medical bloggers and HIPAA regulations so let me make this very clear: I write composite stories about many different people that I've cared for over the years.

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Amanda Trujillo, MSN, RN, DNSc-NP(s) Media & Blogger Coverage